Expectations

In today's episode, we talk about expectations and how they shape how we think, act, and make decisions. They give us a sense of direction by setting clear goals and standards for ourselves and others. When expectations are realistic, they motivate us, improve planning, and help us measure progress. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Welcome to the Art of Conversation. It's your girl Alicia C. And we outcha recording live yo. Happy Sunday, everyone. Good morning. I hope you're feeling smooth this Sunday. Soulful this Sunday. I hope. I hope you're feeling something. This Sunday. Depends on who you ask. Some people feel as though Sunday is the start of a new week. Others feel as though Monday is the start of a new week. I guess it depends on who, what, where, when, why, right? Two things can be correct at the same time. Kind of depends. But often cases, typical work weeks begin on a Monday, school on a Monday, you know. But yes, there are and exceptions. Yeah, yeah, I I yeah, yeah. For the most part, you know, you have your weekend, your Saturday and Sunday to kick it, chill, kind of detach, debrief from the previous week. The week that you've completed. Prepare yourself for a new week, the upcoming week. Are there any goals you want to set? Do you have any expectations? What? How do you prepare for your new week? New month, new day. The title of today's episode is Expectations. According to Oxford, an expectation is a strong belief or mental anticipation that something will happen or a standard that should be met. It bridges the gap between what you project into the future and what you ultimately experience in reality. They're kind of tricky, right? It kinda depends who what we're when. Who what when where why how all of that on one hand expectations motivate us. It helps guide our behaviors towards setting goals and accomplishing them, the achievements. But then on the other hand, it's a double-edged sword like many other things. Because it can lead to disappointment, anxiety, anxious, right? Even burnout, depending. When reality, the reality, doesn't match what you ultimately envisioned. Shocks. Sorry to rain on your parade. Were you expecting a different outcome? Every relationship comes with expectations. Every relationship. Yeah, everyone. Every dynamic. It's all about having appropriate and respectful, fair, compassionate. Honest, maybe transparent. Yeah. All these all these kind of fitting traits. When seeking partnership, relationships, work, relationships, business relationships, financial relationships, educational relationships, etc. Relationships. Friendships. And I guess in addition to that would be setting and understanding boundaries and making them clear and firm from the beginning. Preferably on both ends, right? So both parties are on the same page. One would hope, wish, pray for, right? It's not always the case. National Institutes of Health provides the following key facts about expectations. One, unconscious drivers. A significant portion of expectations are unconscious, making you vulnerable to unexplained negative emotions when they are violated. Two, the expectation gap. Unrealistic expectations are major happiness killers. Three, self-fulfilling prophecies. Expectations literally alter your physical experiences. Four, uncommunicated assumptions in relationships, unspoken expectations lead to misunderstandings where one party assumes specific treatment while the other operates under completely different norms. Five managing the mind to prevent the expectation trap. Experts suggest practicing radical acceptance, converting rigid demands like musts into flexible preferences and shifting your focus from vague expectations to underlying needs. And they give the example of valuing the underlying feeling of love rather than a specific gift. So I think those are pretty crucial. Um pretty good uh key factors, expectations, and that kind of ties into why I asked. How do you prepare for your new week ahead? What have you learned during your previous week? What goals, what expectations can you make for yourself? Because you know, life is about experience and it's unexpected. Unpredictable, girl, get comfortable. We're about to do something you never done before. Remember that song? Maybe not the usual. So try. Alright. That was a dope ass song by Jamie Foxx. He had some pretty good hits. Nevertheless, life is unpredictable. So you can set expectations for yourself, but you can't expect when you're dealing with the external world, right? Your external environment, other people. We don't have control over nothing. Only how we respond, only of ourselves, right? So what type of expectations are you setting? Can you recall an expectation that you set for yourself last week that killed your happiness? We'll say that. Did it not turn out the way you expected? Why did you expect it to turn out the way that you expected it? Like what key factors led you to believe that? Given the factors that we were provided, you know, they started f first up, unconscious. What? What? And we gotta be able to identify what some people do things and expect a reaction. And when they see you don't react, they keep doing certain things. Unless you address it, of course, right? It depends. Because then it falls down to respecting someone's boundaries, you just not liking the person or respecting them, you being a manipulative or even abusive person. Because if someone addresses something to you and you keep doing it, so this person, you meet a person, you guys are both at Starbucks. I'm just, you know, you know when I give examples, you know, unless I specify this is X, Y, Z experiences, like this straight pulling it, like what if? So what if you are in Starbucks as you and another person, you guys don't know each other, you guys are ordering, cashier makes a funny joke, both of you guys start cracking up, then that initiates a conversation, you guys are talking, baza, buzza, baza, buzza, buzza. You guys decide to sit down and continue to converse and sip your uh matcha and your uh camarate or you know, whatever. Whatever you right. This person doesn't know you from a hole in the wall. You don't know this person from a hole in the wall. Okay, so from the beginning, where are expectations coming in? All right. So this person is used to talking and cutting people off, and you don't know each other, so you don't know that they have a pattern and a habit of doing this. Okay. Maybe that's something that's a pet peeve of yours. So first time the person does it, you brush it off because maybe you know, but then you notice they keep doing it, so now you address it, right? You let them know, okay, uh, this is something that I notice. You nip it in the butt early on, right? Now, what if and what if you're this person, right? You nip it in the butt. Now, let's just say after you nip it in the butt, your expectation is the person is going to be mindful, right? More mindful. Because then it's a matter of, well, social cues. Maybe you're not aware that you do this, and people, you know, don't want to make you feel away or embarrass you and have it check you about it or said anything, or maybe they have, and it's something that you don't realize or have control over. Whatever. Sometimes there's a slim chance of that, or you know that it's annoying and you just want to dominate, feel dominate, dominate people, feel powerful and be an asshole, and you know what you're doing, you continue to do whatever, you know, whatever. Everybody has different intentions. But you would once you address this, because again, this is a pet peeve of yours, and this person, you don't know each other, and they wouldn't know that unless you nip it in the butt and address it. Cool. Now you both have an understanding because you made it loud and clear in the very beginning. Okay, hey, I noticed that you have a tendency to do blah blah blah blah blah. And just for the record, I know we, you know, you wouldn't know this, but I XYZ blah blah blah blah. Cool. Oh my bad, whatever how they respond. Depends. Because sometimes when even and that's funny, and that's a great area because even sometimes with you just being upfront, respectful, you know, you're delivering this message, you're stating your boundaries, tactfulness, right? But sometimes people can't take that, right? Everyone's response may or may varies. Because then some people take offense. Oh, I do what? And now they're embarrassed. But then let's just say for the most part, you guys have an understanding. Okay, oh my bad, I didn't know I was doing that. Okay, cool, I'll make sure. Now you guys talking, blah blah blah blah talking. They keep doing it, keep doing it. Now what do you do? Do you address it again? Do you get mad and just say, you know what, fuck this? Like, what do you what would you do, right? Because now you both have a verbal understanding. Hey, you do this, I don't, I'm not fond of this. This is a pet peeve. Can you just, you know? Oh my bad. All right, all right, cool. I'm, right? You are to assume, right? You expect now that you know you're doing it, I made you aware, I made you aware that this has this effect. I don't care for it, please, right? And you have acknowledged, right? So one would expect that, okay, you'll be more mindful moving forward. Now, what happens when that is dismissed? That's why it's like you can expect that, but it doesn't mean they're gonna abide by it, right? So now you guys are talking, they keep doing the same thing. What do you do? Do you stop the convo, get up, and be like, yeah, that's enough? Or do you keep redirecting and reminding? Or do you get pissed off and then start arguing, right? Remember, this is someone that you don't know each other. So r remember, you don't have an obligation at any time. You get the fuck up and you walk away. Like, I already touched, like, yeah, why? Yeah. Expectations. What are some other expectations? Work. Workplace. How frequent people complain about workplaces and the injustice, right? Overwork, burnout doesn't match the pay. Or the pay is good, but the environment is hostile, stressful, you hate it, but you got bills to pay. Expectations. Where do we see expectations? It depends on the leader. Who's leading this organization? Who's at the head? That determines how the rest of the pieces on the board move. Because whether these pieces like the leader or not, they're gonna do what they got to do to rub elbows the right way with the leader. Why? Because they got bills to pay too. Why they want to make sure they look good in the leader's eyes? Why so that they have job security? Why? So they could get the perks of being a kiss ass. Expectations. Expectations when you go on interviews in these jobs and on their websites, they talk about missions, values. Core beliefs, all of that stuff. Company mission statement. Then you look at how the company is ran. Well, um, this is false advertisement because now this is not what is advertising on a website. This says treats everyone equally and with respect. But that's not what happening here. I mean, that's a realistic expectation. Even the salary, the amount. Oh, you'll make let's just say thirty dollars an hour, right? You get hired, you apply for a position that says the pay rate is thirty an hour. You get interviewed, you get the job. Sign off papers, you're expecting to make thirty dollars an hour. Why? Because that's what was advertised, and why? Because that's what the documentation said. So you're expecting to get an hourly rate of thirty dollars an hour. Wait, that's a oxy, wait, hourly rate of thirty dollars. Thirty dollars an hour. So when you get your paycheck, your first paycheck is kind of short, which is usually how it goes, right? They tell you, oh, wait, until you get your second check. That's when you have full hours. Boom, you get your second check. Then you happen to actually pay attention and look at your stub and see that you make $26.50. Then you go to your manager, your boss, and tell them, hey, why am I making this rate? I thought I'm supposed to be making $30 an hour. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can make up to $30 an hour. But that's not what the job post said. Oh, yes, it's up to. Oh, I'm so sorry. The manager didn't catch that. That is up to $30. We don't start at 30, it's up to 30. Maybe you read wrong. You read it wrong. You're a liar, and that's false advertisement. But nevertheless, what happened here? Expectations. You expected to get paid a certain amount, and yeah. Happiness killer. Expectations and relationships. And the disappointing fact when it's unspoken is I guess you could look at it from two separate viewpoints. Because on one hand, it's you go into a relationship or friendship and you have expectations that you feel like you don't have to express because it's like, well, I'm expecting you to know at least the basics, like respect, fairness, you know what I'm saying? Consideration, you know. And then it's your own personal expectations that you set for whoever you date, right? So I've spoken to people in the past who used to say, yeah, nah. And both male and female, and the guys used to say, yeah, she gotta know how, like, nah, I'm expecting, like, she gotta know how to cook, gotta be bad, gotta be clean, you know what I'm saying? And then for the women, oh, he gotta be tall, he gotta have money, like I'm expecting you to come with these things. So what happens when you come across someone who checks off most of the boxes? Because you have you set expectations for yourself on what you want in a partner or a friend. And you know, they call it manifestation, right? This is what I want them to look like, smell like, talk like, whatever, whatever characteristics, whatever, whatever. Build a jokingly, build a bitch, right? And so, what happens when you come across an individual, a person that checks off most of your boxes, but then you go back to your list of expectations. I expect someone to be clean. I like hygiene is important, that's one of my values. So I expect a person to be clean, I expect a person to have respect for elders, uh like respect and love for children, or uh it depends on the person's expectations, right? And let's just say that this is what she lists off. Because remember, she said that he gotta be tall, gotta have money. So, all right, you meet someone that checks off those boxes, gotta tall, everything you want. Oh, be even more specific. Oh, gotta be dark skin, gotta be light skin, gotta have this color eyes, gotta have dimples, gotta have a job, gotta have this, gotta have a good paying job, gotta have uh whatever, gotta work for the city, whatever, whatever, whatever. You found someone that checks off the boxes. But then what about other expectations? So after they check those boxes off, now you find out that he doesn't brush his teeth. You gotta physically fight him to brush his teeth. Now, he checked off your boxes now. This is the expectations. You didn't say anything about high. But remember, after the fact of discovering that he doesn't do these things, now you're saying, yes, I hygiene is important to me. So how deceiving things can be the expectation gap. The unconscious. Some people like like for myself, like hygiene is very fucking important. And I use this example because this like many stories, many, many stories where people are talking about an ex, and then, you know, myself and a few friends is just sitting there looking with a smirk. Cause it's just like, I mean, you don't really want to know what we're gonna say, right? I myself, hygiene is very important, and I am not going to go toe-to-toe and boxing, we tapping gloves, and I'm too piecing and fighting, and and uh like arm, like we're no, no, for you to do the basics for you to give a fuck about yourself. Because you should have been already brushing your teeth before we even cross the paths. So me having to go like uh-uh, right? So we gotta consider that, right? Because then somewhere down the road that takes that take to take take takes takes co accountability, take taking accountability, takes you gotta take it. Take it because then you gotta take accountability that you have expectations. This person didn't meet the requirement, but they met your basic expectations, and that was alright. But then it's like, all right, you got that, but then it's all of this, that you it's counterproductive to what you value and how you move. So what happens, right? Expectations. Stories of girls saying that I mean, talking shit now, and it's like you pick and choose sometimes, you know, you just gotta let the asses have it, the truth, and sometimes you just sit there and look at them like smirking, like look at this fool. Like you sit here venting about an ex that you claim you're over, clearly you're not, and now you're airing out his dirty laundry. You're talking about him being dusty and dirty and skid marks and shit marks in his boxers, and you having the grab and yoke and physically put your hands on him, and y'all fighting, fighting, toss like fighting for real, for real. For him to brush his teeth, and you expect us to give you advice. Like, what advice am I going to give you besides you looking like a jackass? Like, I wouldn't even have told us. Like, what am I gonna? I'm not even gonna massage your eat like what because you know how bad that makes your ass look. But this is my what was your expectation? I didn't expect him to be this nasty, okay? When you found out ding ding ding that this is a dirty ass mouth. What you do? Did you have a conversation? Did you get to the bottom of it? Cause sometimes it could be depression, it could be nasty, it could be trauma. Like, did you sit down with your partner? You you ask him like what's up? Oh, he said he don't need to, it's nasty, he don't need to do it all the time, all the time. So now we looking at you. Oh, no judgment. Nah, no judgment, but this is yeah, yeah, it's not nah. What the fuck were you thinking? Because now you sit here venting, you're so annoyed because you let this person that you had to physically fight to get to brush their own teeth, dog you out and cheat on you and make you look like a fool, and now you're talking about all the things that is nasty and messed up. So, like before he dogged you out and all of that, did you not? And mind you, this is like what two and a half, two plus year relationship. So during these two plus years, did you not address this? Did you not peep this? Did you not say, hey, I have these values, uh, hygiene, da-da-da-da. Like, if you don't get this together, I'm out because I'm not tolerating. Like, did you have that talk? Oh, I try to in he said he's gonna do better, blah, blah, blah, blah. You had the talk, right? So expectations again, right? You expected him to try, make the effort, brush his teeth, clean, clean, wash his ass, whatever, right? That was your another expectation. Didn't do it, right? So you got this poppy chico that's so fine to the eyes, but nasty. So this was your expectation. I expected to find a man that had these colored eyes with these dimples and like literally, right? Physicality. But then he's filthy. Then it's like clearly he doesn't give a fuck about your ass because it's now, all right. If you don't care enough about yourself to brush your teeth, yourself, this is you, your teeth, you're not gonna really, really give a fuck about me for real. And the fact that you're willing to put me in danger now, because now that means if he's not brushing your teeth his teeth, that means you were still kissing him and getting oral and stuff with that filthy mouth, yuck mouth. Eat, we gotta remember, these things can develop into medal like medical conditions, seep into your bloodstream, and there's particles and deposits from the stomach that reaches the back of your tongue. You have to like your mouth is filled with bacteria. What do you mean he doesn't brush his fucking teeth? He eats, he kisses you. You allow him to kiss you. What? Why are you like uh any accountability is being taken? Oh, you gotta take accountability. Yeah, yeah. Expectations, expectations. When are they healthy expectations? If I enroll in school or training program, college, I'm expecting to attain this degree, this level of education, experience. If I go to a company as an intern, my expectations is I am offered an actual full-time job. I'm taking a leap of faith into investments. I'm expecting, I know that it's risky, but I'm expecting to gain something from the trades. Expectations. If I train for three to six months in this sport, I can expect to become a better player or a better person at it. And if I want to join a team or play an instrument or whatever it is, then I know that I have to put in this amount of time and effort to make myself better, right? So if I want to run a race in the Olympics, whatever, I know that hard work is expected. I can't just yawn and say that I'm prepared to run that many uh miles, meters, kilometers, whatever. You have to gradually prepare your body for that kind of extensive exercise. It's to be it's expected. Practice makes perfect. That's ex that's to be expected. That's expect yeah. I expect if I do this enough times consistently, I'm going to get better at it. Motivating, motivator, using it as motivation. It can alter personal experiences. Yes. You win that race, you win the Olympics, you join that basketball team, you're the top star. Yes, you're the quarterback of that football team. Yes, you're an amazing tennis player. Yes, baseball player, yes, singer, rapper, like you know, every little talent or gift, yes, you got it, it's good. But to really take it, you gotta work on your you're gonna master your art. That's to be expected. You your consistency, your willingness, your hard work. You get where I'm coming from? Expectations is how you look at it. I expect, and this is the thing about uncommunicated assumptions and the whole idea of expect uh expectation gaps, right? Yes, you're not supposed to expect, right? At the same time, as a human being, there's still gonna be a small percentage of you that's going to expect, right? Self-fulfilling, unconscious, all of that stuff. So if you get on the train, right? If I'm to get on the train, I'm now life is unpredictable, remember? You don't know what the hell you're gonna see on the train. Especially in New York, you don't know what the hell, right? So expect the unexpected, right? You can expect that something out of the ordinary may or may not happen. If you have a smooth, quiet, peaceful, like boom, ride. Hell yeah. You better be grateful for days like that. Little things like that you be grateful for, right? Because we know how unpredictable it is, but you prepare yourself the unexpected because anything can happen at any given time. You're amongst people, you don't know what's up, you don't know what's mixed around. Get on the train for the most part. You can expect and hope and pray to God that nobody rips off their clothes and starts prancing up and down the cart, butt ass, naked. It's not something that you always see. You're not expecting that, but you can't, it's capable, right? So let's get a little more thorough, all right? If I put these sneakers on your feet, I'm to expect that you're gonna tie the laces and go on and walk. Perhaps, but I think it depends on who you're giving these sneakers to. Is it a kid in certain school age that may not know how to tie? Is it an adult? Some adults don't know how to tie either. Who are you giving it to? Are you giving it to someone that's wheelchair bound? Like a little more specific. Maybe they don't know how to tie their laces, so you can't expect that. Your typical average person should know how to or does, but can you expect everyone? Simple little things like that, right? But then gray area of bias, right? Little things like that. Pick and choose. Can you identify when you're making unrealistic expectations of yourself, others, situations, commitments, whatever? And I say expectations of yourself. You expect yourself to show up for everyone else except yourself. Why? Expectations for yourself. I expect you to get a fucking good night's sleep tonight. I don't care what happens. I expect you to wash your ass. I expect you to brush your teeth. What do you expect for yourself? What do you expect? What are your expectations? I expect to not go up somebody's head. I expect to not touch the bottle. I expect that you would know what expectations you need to set for yourself. Everybody's situations is different, right? I'm just throwing ideas at you just to get the ball going and you know, thoughts flowing. There is no right or wrong when you're self-reflecting and evaluating, assessing, and being more tuned in and aware of yourself. You got to take care and know yourself first before you even possibly think about knowing, thinking, and helping another person. Make sure you're in the correct space. Goes back to expectations of self. Uh, are you making expects like what are your expectations to yourself? I expect myself to be success successful by this age. If it doesn't happen at this age, I know it's expected. I expect to have a kid. Don't know what age. I expect to have a husband, have a wife. I expect by this age I should have two to five kids. I expect that my husband or my wife and I, and our kids and our dogs and whatever will have our own piece of property, land, house, expectations. Are they realistic? Are they unrealistic? What new expectations do you feel you need to set for yourself this upcoming week? Think about it. Something to think about this Sunday. Be safe, stay prayed, and peace out.