Empathy

In today's episode, we talk about the value of empathy, particularly in this day and age, when some people are emotionally depleted  and operating in "fight-or-flight" mode.

By enabling us to perceive the world from another person's perspective, empathy helps us establish trust, improves communication, and resolve conflicts.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Welcome to the Art of Conversation. Your girl Alicia C. And we out ya recording live yo. Happy Wednesday, everyone. Good afternoon. Happy wellness Wednesday. Hope you're feeling well this Wednesday. What does being well or feeling well look like or mean to you? If you're not feeling well, what are you gonna do to make yourself feel more better? You know, we're in the middle of the week. Weekly check-in, check-in, check-in. The word for today's episode is empathy. Empathy. Empathy, kindness, woolly mammoths, dinosaurs, you know, these things are extinct. You know where I'm coming from with that. It's it's so rare that it's like, damn. Nevertheless, according to Oxford, empathy is the ability to understand, share, and vicariously experience another person's emotions or perspective. Acknowledging the other person's feelings, carefully listening without passing judgment and putting understanding, ahead of quick fixes, put away distractions, reflect back on what you heard, encouraging language, aka communication, avoid comparing their circumstances to your own to practice mindfulness basically, knowing what's yours and what's another person's. So are you showing empathy? Empathy, empathy. Are you empathizing out in the streets? Are you showing empathy? Are you being supportive, validating, and helpful? These are things that are rare commodities, right? You hear people say, oh, it's rare to find genuine people or people with empathy or kindness, like people are so cold and selfish and just don't care, and just yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, social media and just life and everything, just yeah, yeah, some, some, yeah. Where, you know, we live in a world unfortunately where sometimes the way you express yourself can be judged, and that's why people, you know, avoid it. Fear of judgment, fear of not being understood, heard. Are you showing empathy? Are you showing empathy to those who are struggling? Are you showing empathy to yourself? If you make a mistake or you're not feeling too well and you know that you didn't show up as the burst as the best version of yourself, or maybe you didn't respond in the most mature, responsible way during a situation or argument, whatever, whatever the situation is. Were you able to reflect and take accountability? And if you were in the wrong, are you able to show yourself empathy? Can you empathize with yourself and identify, well, you responded this way because of and kind of evaluate where that came from? Are you able to do that? Are you able to hold that kind of space for others if they do something to harm you or betray you, X, Y, and Z? If they share why they responded to you or did this to you, or you never know, it depends. Sometimes you there's a reason why someone does something, and sometimes there's no reason, even though no reason is still a reason. So don't let that go over your head. Same thing with no response is a response. Feel me? So where does that come from? Why are we seeing it? Why is it more frequent? Like the the lack of that is like where does that come from? Where did the disconnect and the lack come from? So we know empathy for others is shown by actively listening, and again, responding in a way that's non-judgmental. You want to create a safe space for this person if they're sharing something that it's maybe it's a person uh personal experience, is maybe it's hard for this person. This is a difficult task, you know. Bear with them, you know. This is challenging, and here they are making the the attempt, the steps. So offering that space and that time, you know, considering your perspective, discernment, right? Social cues, social signals, knowing when to give advice and knowing when to just be a safe space to vent. And not project your own personal experiences into their experience that they're currently feeling, going through, etc. You know what I'm saying? Because it's not about you at this moment, is what they're trying to express, the messages they're trying to convey. So then ask yourself how often are you showing empathy? Is it based on your own emotions, how you're doing and feeling in life? Is it based on whether you like the person or not? Is it the race, gender, sexuality? Is it because you guys share the same neighborhood? You both reside in the same neighborhood. You know, these are questions to ask because oftentimes it appears that these are things that people base off of which determines their next steps. You know, like this is the criteria, and you see it everywhere workplaces, relationships, um teams, activ any extracurricular activities, etc. Meaning, and I'm sure many of us have heard people say, oh, nowadays it's not about what you know and your experience or expertise, it's about who you know, who, right? So entering into a workspace or field and your credentials is outstanding. When you look at the, you know, the job listing, it says we need someone with this level, uh, degree level, amount of experience, uh-uh, uh, uh. And whatever, you know, share whatever else you think would be crucial, you know, something you want us to know how as it connects to the position that you are seeking. I mean, this person checks all the boxes off. Then you meet them, great energy, can engage, all of the good stuff. But then you find out that a close friend or a frat brother, frat sister, whoever, someone in a close, you know, relationship with you on the personal end, needs a job, and right away, and whatever the situation is, they hire that friend who has none of the experience, maybe bare minimum, and maybe a degree level lower than what they're asking for, but they got hired, right? Oh, well, you know, nobody's gonna question it because of the person's title or position in the organization, hires this friend and passes up the person who is best fit, you know, suitable for the job, right? We see that a lot. Oh, just send the resume, say this person referred you, blah, blah, blah, blah, and pull people, pull people in, and it's like half-ass work, bare minimum. There's people who's at these places already working and looking at these people coming in, making the same money as you, doing half of the work, not giving a fuck because again, they don't have the experience, which means this was not an interest, uh, initial interest of theirs, but the position was open, and you know somebody, and they know somebody, and you guys, you know, rub elbows, and here you are, just you know, fronting, but getting by. Then, you know, having that mentality and attitude trickles into the workspace itself. And then it's like, well, why didn't they hire somebody who had uh oh yeah, they did, they interviewed, but they this is this per you know, this they're people. So I say that to say, is it the same when you offer help? Are you offering help to everyone if they're in need of it, or are you picking and choosing based on relation, based on your security level within yourself? Um, myself and I've seen it, others. Sometimes you get and same thing with workplaces, opportunities, support, anything withheld from you if the person is threatened by you. So if this is an insecure leader, a strong employee is going to be a threat. That that's a threatening person to this leader, especially someone who's only focused on being in control. You kiss my ass, right? So you know what I'm saying? Like there's so many dynamics where we see this. Some people can self-proclaim that they're a good person because they help homeless, they give food to the homeless, they give clothes, blah blah blah. Yeah, that's great. But then when someone triggers the insecurities within yourself, or is you because you're some people compare themselves to others, and that's where some of the conflict and animosity comes from, right? So if you come across another person who is in the same predicament, or maybe just you know something that they could benefit from, and what's wrong with sharing that information, especially if the person's asking you, whatever the you know case scenario is, you withhold that information because oh no, I'm not gonna help this person because this person is more confident me, confident than me. This person's getting ahead, this person's already on a good track. No, I don't want to see you have people who think like that. So when it comes to, you know, God forbid you're out in the street or on the train and something's popping off, how do you show empathy? Now I know it's a matter of safety too. You gotta be, you gotta use discernment, you know, you want to help, but at the same time, you don't want to put your own life in jeopardy either. But how do you rate? Like, how do you decipher when do you always show empathy? Is there levels and boundaries as you should? Um, with empathy, you know, people like to play off of people's emotions and heart and empathy, and so you have to have, of course, boundaries and discernment, but there's a difference between boundaries and discernment and you picking and choosing based on your comfort levels within yourself. So then that requires you to do some self-reflecting once again, right? Being aware, that's that you know that we've been that word is just phew, view, you all over these episodes, man. Awareness, being aware of yourself, being aware of others. We know that having empathy bridges the gap between people. That's it. Because it gives us the ability to develop stronger social relationships with others. You know, we're able to better regulate our own emotions. And in the process of that, that's helping the other person or people manage their own. Because I don't know if you guys ever been in situations where sometimes it's transferable, right? You're you're in a good mood, you're around somebody, hey, what's up? This person has just a very heavy, negative, down energy because they're going through whatever you ask them, everything's alright. So that's kind of the conduit to open their conversation. And you gotta also, here we go with boundaries and being aware, being able to say, Yes, I give permission to use this as a safe space for you to vent. You probably need to let it out, and then knowing the difference between someone just always have something going on and trauma dumping onto you so they could feel better, but now you're feeling heavy, so boundaries, and that goes back to, of course, you know, mindfulness, aware, awareness, all that good stuff. But also it goes back to knowing what's yours, your energy, your feelings, your thoughts, versus someone else's, right? Not absorbing it. Having empathy also helps helps us with our pro-social traits. Like kindness, right? Being generous. Being generous without strings being attached, right? Yeah, I help you. Oh, I keep helping, helping, helping, helping. But then one day shit happens, shit hits the fan, or when you least expect it, this person is saying, Well, blah blah blah blah blah. And what you think I gave you all of that for, or doing all of that, because I'm expecting so, and this goes for also yourself and others, right? You can't control others. You just gotta use your discernment to know if someone is being genuine in their efforts or if there's a agenda behind it. Only time will tell. For yourself, again, how generous are you, and to whom? How much? Boundaries, right? If you cross paths with a person who is well known as to be like the community's liar and thief, and you don't really know that, but you know that this is a person who's always asking for money. And you're, you know, cruising, get out, go to the store, this person stops you, let's just say at the gas station, whatever. Gives you some sob ass story. How do you decipher whether they're telling the truth or not? Do you let your empathy control your actions? Can you tell when somebody is lying? Are you able to trust your gut when if someone is being truthful or deceitful? Do you let that determine how empathizing you are in situations like that? Like these are things to reflect on. Knowable magazine shares ways that we can show empathy to others. One, listen actively. Give the person your undivided attention, do not multitask, interrupt, or formulate your response while they are talking. People can tell. I can tell when I don't have your undivided attention. Your thinking, your eyes moving, your facial expressions is those of whatever you're thinking in your head, and it's not following what I'm saying out of your mouth. I need you to just be attentive and just two, validate their feelings, acknowledge their emotions without judging whether they are right or wrong. Use phrases like that sounds incredibly frustrating, or I can see why you feel that way. Three, avoid fixing right away. People often just want to be heard, not given immediate advice. Like this is just a safe space to vent. Allow the permission and space to vent. Instead of jumping to solutions, ask, what do you need right now? How can I best support you or support you in this moment? Ask open-ended questions. Encourage them to share more in their own words by asking things like, How are you feeling about all of this? or what was going through your mind when that happened. Lastly, reflect. I know I started with numbers, whatever. Lastly, reflect and paraphrase. Summarize what you've heard to confirm your understanding and making them really feel seen. If I understand correctly, you're feeling overwhelmed because of X, Y, and Z. Yeah. People can also tell the difference between listening and hearing. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, two, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, seven, bleep, bleep, eight, be. Are you listening? Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's all I can say. People know when you're listening inherent. So be genuine in your approach. If you're going to allow someone the space to vent to you, um, be present for them in that that moment, that five minutes, that second, that half an hour, whatever. And again, you know, length of time, the dirt, the the duration of time that you're aligned with this person, and that goes back to awareness and setting your own boundaries, etc. Right? Knowing how much time you're going to allow a person to use your space to vent. So in a 2026 study, Forbes shared that experts point to a modern empathy deficit. Oh, for sure. Hell yeah. Driven by chronic stress, partisan polarization, and technology that isolates us. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. So now you know my follow-up question is gonna be well, what are you gonna do about it? What do we do? I mean, there's no turning back. We're in the technological era. There is no turning back. Like, there's conversations about flying cars and shit. People already done, hey, you know, I have money to waste. Let's go take a trip to the moon. Like, what the fuck? Oh, these people going in submarines, like, bro. So, yeah, yeah. Signs of diminished empathetic capacity. In other words, someone who lacks empathy often displays these signs, patterns. One, dismissive listening instead of asking clarifying questions, individuals might quickly offer unsolicitated advice, judge the situation, or redirect the conversation back to themselves. And that's oh my god, I've seen that happen so many times. That shit is so fucked up. Um, someone is sharing something, and I've seen it on shows too. Like, someone is sharing something, like a I forgot what show it was, but basically, long story short, the girl had to leave. Oh, yeah, actually, I think this was Flavor of Love. I forgot what season it was, and basically one of the young ladies had to remove herself from the con the contest because something happened, like her father was like in a car accident or something. Everyone is showing empathy and you know, well-wishes. And this one girl try to redirect it to herself and say that she was in a car accident and blah blah blah blah blah. And it was and I remember like the girl checked and addressed, like, shut up, bitch. This isn't about you, like yeah, right on. Like, what the hell? Like, I've seen that happen so many times, and you just look at the person like, but it wasn't about you, you know what I'm saying? It wasn't about you, like this person is and then all of a sudden people are paying attention to what this person just said, and you know what I'm saying? And it's like anytime I'm in a situation where I notice that I always after they blah blah blah blah, I'll be like, uh anyway, and go right back to the original person and follow up because I was listening to them, and this person, I heard you interject and interrupt this person. I heard the blabbering, but I wasn't listening. Let me come back to who I was listening and give them my undivided, you know what I'm saying? Like the people, that's a part of being empathetic, too. No one went to shut the fuck up and wait your turn. All right. Two digital harassment, the strong focus on self expression in the United States. Oh, we always talking about what so. Social media, platform, social influence, AI, the internet culture overall. It leads to cyberbullying, online trolling. We just had an episode on rage baiting and empathy burnout stemming from heavy social media use. Ah, goes back to awareness, mindfulness. Are you aware of how much time you're spending on social media? Are you aware of the effects it's having on you, your mood, your thoughts? Are you aware? Are you aware that you're not showing yourself much excuse me, much empathy by overindulging on social media when you know you have X, Y, and Z to do? No judgment. We just we're taking accountability, right? This Wednesday, because we want to feel well this Wednesday. Three, transactional relationships, value and interactions based on what a person can provide rather than on emotional connection or mutual support. Boundaries. Not everything has to be. Can't it just be platonic? X, Y, and Z, none of that blurry, blurry, like straight to the point. Like stop making things what it's not. Is it an equal reciprocation? What are you offering me? Four lack of perspective. Struggling or refusing to step outside one's own worldview to understand the struggles or lived experiences of another group. Lived experience or experiences of another group. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. What are we seeing right now with this black and white race cards being pulled, right? They don't know what it feels like to be in our shoes. That's what some black people are saying of color. But then on the flip side, some you know, white people are saying they don't know what it feels like to be in our shoes. So you got two different lived experiences. The question is, people are always trying to have control of dictating which side is right. Why can't two things be correct at the same time? I'm waiting. Lastly, five. Systemic apathy. Apathy is a lack of emotion. So dismissing systemic inequalities, inequities, or structural hardships, often attributing them entirely to individual failures rather than larger societal factors. Again, what are we seeing right now? We see that too often. All the time, all the time. The norms, anyway, because you know you learn empathy. You learn that, you're taught it. So now if a leadership style shapes that, so then we think back, okay, what the hell's been going on for centuries? The roots, the fact that racism never stopped, evolved, segregation never stopped, evolved. Still, still, still leadership. We see how this leadership is and has been. So leaders who model broad, inclusive concerns tend to widen the circle of who counts. We see it. It's a domino effect, it trickles because then you got certain communities, don't take other communities seriously, certain things and justice not being served. The judicial system is shit as well. Everything and everywhere that the leader, you know, sticks his hand in has some kind of corruption. And it plays out in what we deem a crime, the severity of it. Good versus bad. Hmm. Those who consistently frame politics as tribal loyalty normalize indifference to outsider suffering. You wouldn't know unless you experience it. Could care less about the outside world. Narcissistic, in a sense, right? So currently the United States leadership exemplifies the latter. I know, I know. Dealing with people who lack empathy is annoying. It can be draining. Take the time to create strategies for yourself when it comes to setting boundaries with these types of people. Dismissive people, you know. Identify, educate yourself on ways to protect your own mental energy from empathy burnout. Knowing when, how much, does everyone get it? What is how what do you base this on? Finding out more tips for clear communication when you aren't feeling heard. Strong emotional boundaries and physical strategies are necessary to safeguard your energy from others who lack empathy. Act as a mirror rather than a sponge to stop absorbing. How drop the mic. Be well this Wednesday, you guys. Be safe, stay prayed, and peace out.